something from the archives: all of me

Summary: More post-breakup angstiness/darkness Companion piece to “In the Shadows”, but can be read on its own. Warning: This is particularly dark.

Dedication: To Leila, who has loved Spike from the get-go.

All of Me

I’ve realized something.

She’s wrong.

When her lips form the words. When she calls me a vile, disgusting thing. When she tells herself that I’m wrong for her. When she says I’m not worthy. When she calls me William.

I’m not that man. He was a poof. 

He allowed himself to be laughed at. He was downtrodden. He didn’t need to be chipped to be a buggery shadow of himself.

It’s about time I got some credit.

I am more than that.

*****

He’s here. I know he is.

Since he threatened to expose our relationship he’s been haunting me. Maybe he thinks to scare me into honesty.

Maybe he already has. Because I’m starting to be honest with myself.

I’m still searching for something that makes it all right. Something that will fix me. Something that will help heal the very wounds I’ve caused.

Sometimes I wonder why they grieved so. Why they brought me back, if all I can bring them is pain. Death is my gift.

I wonder if that’s why I feel close to him. Death is his gift too.

*****

She’s slaying.

She’s searching.

Sometimes I think she has no clue as to what.

I liked it when for a while I was an answer.

Things are going to change. They bloody have to.

*****

I miss him. As soon as he’s gone.

I feel it. He’s been doing that more and more lately.

Show up long enough to distract me and then disappear. Maybe he’s realized there’s no changing my mind.

Maybe he’s given up on me.

Maybe he knows.

*****

Her flesh is so smooth. So creamy.

It tempts me.

This hurt I feel claws me up from the inside. This ache I detest shreds my heart.

I want to feed.

She’s what I crave.

I just wish I could get rid of what stops me. It’s not the bloody chip. It’s not even the lust I feel for her. Or even the sodding love in my heart.

I watch her. I watch her search. And I know I have the answer to what she needs.

*****

Distracted. I've gotten my ass kicked more so than usual.

It’s his fault.

He knows what I want.

I taste blood on my lips as the scaly, horned, ridiculous-looking demon I’m fighting lands a good right hook. I twist his neck and stand there savoring the taste of my own blood in my mouth.

Where is he?

*****

I watch her fight. She’s off her game.

I cringe unwillingly as the demon lands a hit. But she dusts him.

She knows I’m here. I watch as she runs her tongue over her lips. She’s bleeding.

I can smell it.

*****

I don’t know how he moved so fast.

But I don’t care. He snarls as he grabs me, bruising my tender mouth with his lips.

I feel giddy as he suckles fiercely where I was bleeding. He nips at me gently with his canines.

I moan. I want more.

*****

She’s moving against my groin. Her legs are wrapped around my waist, her skirt riding up the smooth skin of her legs.

She moans as I suckle the trickle of blood on her tongue. Her hands grasp at my hair as she holds me closer.

She breaks away suddenly.

She bloody well won’t run away this time. I won’t let her.

*****

I look into his eyes. So cool. So blue.

I want him to be who he is.

I want to see his true face.

He’s watching me. Expecting me to flee.

He’s shocked by what I do next.

I take his hand, shove his middle finger to the wet depths of my arousal. I spread my legs further.

“Fuck me,” I whisper and move his face to my neck.

*****

Her jugular jumps with her beating heart.

She’s matching the thrusts of my fingers, my fist as I plunge into her.

She wants me to bite her.

My face changes. My canines grow. And she hisses as I scrape their elongated tips against the skin over her artery.

She’s game. She’s my prey.

*****

I unzip his pants, take his hardened cock and impale myself upon it.

I feel as his teeth break my skin, break the vessel that swells with my blood.

I feel as he feeds on me.

As he thrusts into my body.

Wildly. Recklessly.

*****

She wants this.

She wants me.

She wants what I can give her.

Release.

*****

I’m  lying in bed. Alone.

I have no idea how I got there.

I touch my neck and feel the twin scabs of my dried blood.

I wonder.

*****

In the end, I couldn’t kill her.

Maybe I am a bloody poof. Maybe I’m still a fool who believes in love.

Maybe being a vampire doesn’t mean you lose all your humanity. Maybe it means you’re cursed when you find it.

She came in a blast, her body shivering, convulsing around me. She would have let me go on, to the end. She wanted it. But I couldn’t give her that.

There are too many people counting on her.

I am among them.

*****

I haven’t seen him since that night.

But I’m still searching. He hasn’t been at his crypt.

I want to ask him why.

But I’m afraid of the answer.

He hasn’t been haunting me anymore. But I feel the absence.

The wounds are still there. I’ve been wearing turtlenecks lately. My tongue still bleeds on occasion. I swallow the metallic tanginess and wonder.

*****

I have to do this.

I have to change what I am right now. A powerless vampire.

I crave the kill. But I don’t want it.

I need to know what is real. I need to know what I really feel.

*****

My blood.

It pools in my mouth. I ache all over.

He’s here.

He lowers his lips to mine. Feral.

He deep kisses me. Tastes me. Savors me.

He gently removes the clothing from my bruised body. He trails kisses across my heated skin. And pulls off his own clothing.

He’s inside me. 

His teeth pierce my skin, easily sliding between the recently healed flesh.

This time he’s taking.

All of me.

*****

The End